Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in mariposa1812's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
11:04 pm	sorry 'bout the abrupt cut off from last time... antiways... at the halloween party the night before halloween, there was a fire off to one corner and that's where i sat for the whole evening... watching others make fools of themselves because they were totally ripped. i choose not to drink because i've had bad experiences with people who do so, and because i don't like not being in control of what i say or do. i also was driving that evening. so Matt and i sat on these fiberglass seats beside the fire while my cousin and her bf came and went, humoring us every time. It really made my night when Matt switched seats so he could get away from my cousin because she was enjoying herself by tickling him... he then switched back so that he could sit right next to me... and he put his arm around my shoulders. *sigh of happiness* we ended up holding hands soon after. For some reason, i don't remember why, he switched back to my left side resuming hugging my shoulders after he sat. i guess he was getting comfortable or something, but he crossed his right leg over his left.... the only reason i remember this is because my cousin gave him this confused look like asking him "what in the hell are u doing?" and then leaned over and bit him on the meat of his ankle just above the top of his foot. Matt tells me he still has a scar. i guess the way he'll remember me is when he looks at his foot he'll remember "that one girlfriend of his with that crazy cousin". well, that was the beginning of Matt n Manda. i thought the way our relatioship started was nice, other than the fact that i lost the trust of my best friend yet again. About a week and a half after we were official, Matt asked me to meet him on campus after i got off work. he said it was important. So i called him after i got off work and he met me away from his dorm room. he came skateboarding up to me while i was walking towards him. he had me sit down. the next thing he told me was something that i, at first, thought was a joke. he told me that he wasn't coming back the next semester. he had talked to his family earlier that evening, but he, still to this day, hasn't told me why he had to leave. i could say that it couldn't be his grades because he must have done better than me, and it was a month and a half before the semester ended. and it couldn't be because he wanted to be with friends because both of his best friends go away to college. i don't know... i don't want to read too much into it because if it was something to talk about, he would have said it. he said that the situation was fine for him because he's moved so many times. he said he was worried about me, though. at the time, i was taken aback, but i still didn't believe it... to be very honest.... i thought it was still a joke... i've had too many of those long term jokes pulled on me that i don't know really when wolf is being called. it finally sunk in a couple of days later. well, being the easy-hearted fool that i am, i remembered one of our conversations when he mentioned he wanted to go see the Lion King or Little Shopppe of Horrors in the city. so, i immediately started researching that. unfortunately the lion king was ending that weekend and it wouldn't be enough time to purchase appreciable tix. so i looked into Little Shoppe of Horrors. i found a date where i had enough time to plan it out and work around it... it was three weeks ahead... a week before thanksgiving break and the show was a week after that. if you can follow that. antiways... i asked him if he would be able to go on a date with me on dec. 3. well, he said he would keep the day open just for me. bingo. those were the magic words i was looking for. i ordered the tix, which i couldn't really afford, and everything was set... oh, yea... i didn't exactly tell him i what i was taking him to... he later asked and i told him that we were going to see a symphony (a little white lie because there is an orchestra...). well thanksgiving weekend came and he returned a day before the rest of the campus rush, on saturday. that evening we went to zipmaster's birthday party. we left early because i had to work early the next day. i walked him up to his dorm because he said he had something to show me. his signs. those are essential story details that i will mention later. we then proceeded to hold each other for what seemed only to be a little while, but was actually 3:30 in the morning when i looked at the clock. i asked him if he still could go this upcoming friday and he said that he didn't think that he could because he had to do paperwork for applying to his college near his home. i told him that i understood, and that i would have to just go see the Little Shoppe of Horrors with my dad. he cursed and then said he would try his hardest to get it done by then, but he still didn't think that he could. me just saying that i understood, felt o so broken inside. i had so much excitement when i was planning this... i was trying so hard to keep it a surprise, i had even planned out a BART route so that he wouldn't recognize anything when we were driving... i soon found out that he didn't, and still doesn't like surprises. that sunday morning, i had to be at work at 11. i stopped by the campus and left a note that said that the only reason why i had planned such an event was to give him good memories of what it was like here. i clearly stated that i didn't want to keep him and that he had the choice of having the relationship continuing while he was here and then when he went home, there would be no strings attached. poor guy... that hasn't happened though. i hate myself because of what i have done... but that's not part of this time in my story... in my letter i asked him to tell me by wednesday whether or not he could go. i told him that if he didn't go, i still wanted to go and would take someone in his stead. wednesday came around and he said that all of his paperwork was done, but he had a bad cold that he probably picked up from the flight back home after thanksgiving. yea... i figured he would say that, coz i mentioned to him it was kinda funny that he would do paperwork on a friday... when in the past he kept everything else until sunday. I begged and pleaded until he caved. Thursday came and went quickly and that night i recieved an email as well as a phone message from him. I expected him to be telling me that he couldn't go the next day because of his illness, or some other inane reason... i still wanted him to go. But his message was simply asking me what he should wear for the occasion. I texted him around 2:30 in the morning with my reply... five minutes later he called me... i was still really tense from my feelings about what he had said earlier... about him not being able to go... and our conversation calmed me. I enjoyed the whole show... even though it wasn't what i had hoped. What happened after was what will live in my memory forever. The last couple of weeks that he was here, we were together as much as possible... which mostly consisted of him driving from campus to my house to either watch movies, try mom's cookies, or just simply to be together... i hope with my whole being that what happened between us wasn't just becuase i made him feel guilty. even though when we were together on a normal night, it didn't seem so. he loved to share things with me... the first thing he shared was the experience of stealing election canidate signs.... or whatever they're called... that was the night that we hung out at Nancy's for the first time. he loved to share music with me, and still does. The one thing that i thought was really special was a couple of nights before he left, he took me to this one house that was all strung with lights with chartoon characters and disney characters.... that were all hand made! The house was dressed up as a castle and there were intricate to overpowering details in every nooke and cranny available. the characters even spilled over into his neighbors yards for the whole cul de sac. it was spectacular! and that was after they owner of the house turned off the lights. The next night was my brother's concert, and Matt was there. This was the last night that we would be able to see each other. He got a phone call part of the way through the concert and went outside to be polite and so he could hear. he didn't return for a while, and i thought he had left without saying goodbye... but just before the intermission he came back in. we came back to my house (as usual) and watched This Is Spinal Tap... weird movie... but funny if u catch on. after the movie we held eachother, and for once i felt at peace. i wanted to stay in that moment for as long as i could. i wanted him to hold me because at that moment, nothing else mattered, and i felt not only amorous... but at home. then my mother came in and said that it was time to break everything up because it was 1 in the morning. I had to now say goodbye to someone who i had almost just met. there is more to this story... but i hafta go make lefse right now... i'll be back when my schedule allows it... blessed be (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
1:29 am	Happy New Year; grr the depressions of last too Well, even though it is 1:30 a.m. on the second day in January, it is still close enough to say the darned phrase. Heck, it only comes around this time of year (unless of course if you celebrate the Chinese New Year, which is totally awesome too). This whole journal thingy is kinda new to me even though i have random writings around the house that splurge my thoughts. ok... here's what's killing me right now... My first semester as a college student wasn't exactly as i had planned it... i was going to be more studious and serious about school than i had in my past. But it turned out to be almost as, or even on the same level as the high school dramah that i hoped to leave where it originated. A month before I had turned 18, my mother started to pull the "you're moving out of my house if you ever do anything so horrific again" crap. But i've been through hours of therapy for that one, so i'm over it now. I had been secretly dating a younger guy (as in everyone knew except my parents), which was slowly eating away at me from the inside. I didn't tell my mom about him because she had claimed that i would be giving him the wrong outlook on life. whatever the hell that means. i had a wonderful relationship with him, and enjoyed almost every minute of it. And i didn't really talk to my dad about relationships. Around the middle of October, a good and honest friend of mine told me about the side of him he made sure i didn't see. This dampened my views of him and tore away the honeymooners glow. I began to think... do i really want to spend a good portion of my life with this guy? and he's the kind of person who is intense, and unfortunately the kind of person that doesn't believe in friendship after love... or it could be that i hurt him to the point that he can't talk to me... i don't think i'll ever know. The other reason why i broke off my relationship with him was because of another individual who showed interest in me in what i hoped was more than friendship interest. Matt is his name. I knew him from band, and we had a common friend on campus. He lived in the dorms coz he's from Hunnington Beach. I thought it was so cool that someone at work, other than my coworkers, would actually recognize me from campus... and he came in with some really juicy stuff... like one night, he came in and asked me to imagine our common friend intoxicated... and i couldn't stop bugging our friend about it in class the next day. I really was trying to set him up with my best friend, Alicia, and i thought everything was going well when he showed interest in picking on me with her. We tried to invite him to go places with us, but he always was busy, which is understandable. I hung out with him on my own terms as well, without her, because he was fun. I invited him to go do a local thing... this "A-maizing Maze"... but it was closed the first attempt, so my cousin -who is also a very close friend of mine- Matt and myself went to the billiards downtown to play some quarter-table pool. After we had run out of quarters, we went to my cousin's house and just farted around for a good hour or so, playing this one game called Zobmondo... it's really kewl... and we battled over which two would get the couches and who was the monkey. what i first noticed about him that may have given me a clue that he liked me was that when i tackled Nancy, my cousin, for the more comfortable couch, and we compromised.... with my leaving just enough space for one more person... you see... when i notice it... i try to include everybody... so i patted the couch next to me for Matt to take a seat, and to my pleasant surprise... he did. He even put his arm around my shoulder... and it was that perfect snuggly moment where i had to just savor it. The next night, I was invited to my first real party. I had just gotten off of work, so I was wearing a very tacky combination of a navy sweatshirt, with a white collar from my dress shirt, and black slacks. I looked horrible! My cousin had asked me to drive her and her bf so they could drink. I basically played the wallflower because I didn't really know anyone except the two i had come with. And all I could think about was what Matt was doing at the moment... let's see here... somewhere around 9:30 I called him and asked him if he was doing anything... 20 minutes later he was there.... I thought he was so funny, coz he wore long pants and his campus sweatshirt and showed up in his sandaled feet... I mean it was freezing out there if you weren't next to the fire! but it was what he wanted to do. I gotta go because i hafta get some sleep.... i will continue with this story in the near future... i remember things too well, but just can't say them all in one conversation... i mean, how much some people mean to me... right now... those people of subject are only because the most dramatic and memorable events have happened with me and them... but those whom i care for ever so much, will come... i promise... good night to all. blessed be (2 Comments |Comment on this)